Plus ones at a wedding: who gets one, and how to say no
5 min read
Every guest list reaches the same question: does everyone get to bring someone? There is a rule most couples follow, a few honest exceptions, and a way of wording it that saves you most of the awkward conversations.
The rule most couples follow
Couples are invited as couples. Married, engaged and living together, and in most families anyone in a relationship of a year or so, are invited together, with both names on the invitation. A guest who is single is invited alone unless there is a reason to do otherwise.
- Members of the wedding party, who give you a whole day and often more.
- Guests who will not know anyone else there.
- Guests travelling a long way, to a wedding abroad especially.
Those are the usual exceptions. Whatever your rule is, apply it the same way on both sides of the family. Guests compare.
Name the partner whenever you can
"Ms Sofia Lindqvist and Mr Erik Berg" invites two people, one of whom you know about. "Sofia Lindqvist and guest" invites Sofia and a stranger. If you know the partner exists, ask their name and use it. It is warmer for the partner and it is what makes place cards and a seating plan possible later.
"And guest" is for the times you genuinely do not know who they will bring. Use it sparingly: every one is a seat you cannot plan.
How to word no plus ones
The invitation does it by naming the people invited. Most guests read the envelope, or the name at the top of their invitation, and understand.
The reply can say it a second time, gently. "We have saved one seat for you" or "We have saved two seats in your honour" is the classic line, and a reply form that only offers the places you meant does the same without a word.
If you want to explain, the website's questions are the place for it: "Can I bring a date? We would love to invite everyone's partners, but our venue only fits so many, so we have invited the people we know well, by name. Thank you for understanding."
When a guest asks to bring someone
Answer warmly, directly and once. "We would love to, but we have kept the numbers tight, so it is only the people named on the invitations. I really hope you can still come." Do not apologise at length and do not reopen the guest list in the conversation.
If the question is about a new partner who has become serious since the invitations went out, it is your call, and many couples say yes. Just be ready to say yes to the next person who asks the same.
Do
- Invite couples together, by both names
- Ask for the partner's name rather than writing "and guest"
- Offer only the places you mean on the reply
- Apply the same rule to both families
Don't
- Write "no plus ones" on the card itself
- Invite one half of a married couple
- Make an exception quietly and hope nobody notices
- Argue with a guest who declines because of it
Letting the reply page do the counting
On a digital invitation the reply form is where a plus one is decided in practice. On MyEventOS you choose whether guests can bring anyone at all, and can cap how many people one reply brings; each guest on your list has their own link, so the answer comes back under their name, and, if you ask, with the names of the people they bring.
Collect the answers while you are at it
MyEventOS turns the invitation, the RSVP and the guest list into one link, and counts the replies as they land. Free to design, free to send, and the first ten replies are included.
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